I wrote the following story in seventh grade English, when I was just twelve years old (On November 3, 1995 to be exact).  We used to have a writing assignment every day, and if we couldn’t think of anything to write about, the teacher would show a work of art on the overhead projector and we could write about that.

In this case, the painting was called something like, “Waiting for the boarding school bus.”  It was a picture of an Indian boy (who I named Wilberforce for some reason), his mother, and a black cat standing at a bus stop.  The painting was excellent, except it looked like the artist hadn’t figured out how to paint hands yet, because they looked like blobs of flesh.

Wilberforce’s Adventure

Wilberforce, his mother, and his cat were waiting for the bus one morning.  At the end of their long, dirt road, they could see its headlights rounding the corner.  But what’s this?  The black cat decided to cross the street!  The superstitious bus driver saw the cat and swerved, hitting a fire hydrant.  Wilberforce and his mother, who didn’t know you weren’t supposed to stick your hands in the garbage disposal, pointed and laughed.  Although, his mother couldn’t point.  She no longer controlled her hands.  You see, THEY CONTROLLED HER!

Wilberforce and his mother went to see if everyone on the bus was all right.  The driver just said, “Look at my organ donor card!” and dropped dead.  It was written in another language, so instead they just cremated him and his ashes were spread across a puddle in the back yard.

All of the other passengers on the bus went crazy and began foaming at the mouth.  Then they ripped into the engine compartment and started eating the spark plugs and hoses!  At that point, they were quickly rushed to Honest Ernie’s Tire and Lube ® (Open 24 hours) where they were given a tune up and had their shoes rotated for only $49.95.  Then they sang some show tunes around a camp fire (Actually it was just a welding torch).  At this point, let me remind you that this is all based on a true story.

Well, on with the semi-true story.  This story took place many years ago.  Before the invention of the friendship bracelet, Taser gun, or the automobile.  How was there a bus if cars weren’t invented yet?  The world will never know.

Well how was ol’ Wilberforce s’posed to get to boarding school?  He wanted to go real bad, too.  I guess he was just gonna have to be left ignorant like me, rite?  RONG!  A helicopter named Bernard came down and picked him up.  Unfortunately, Bernard had no idea where Wilberforce wanted to go, because Wilberforce only spoke in Pig-Latin.

“Where do ya wanna go, you dirt burglar?” asked Bernard.

“Otay oardingbay choolsay,” replied Wilberforce

“Eh?”

“Otay oardingbay choolsay!” he repeated.

“F this!” said Bernard as he dropped Wilberforce into a Tupperware factory.

Wilberforce mumbled something in Pig-Latin which has no exact translation.  Its closest translation is, “Oww, my face!”

Suddenly, a voice rang out.  It was the factory’s owner, Mr. Bear.  “Can I interest you in some fine Tupperware?”

“Upperwaretay?  I on’tday eednay onay tinkingsay Upperwaretay!” said Wilberforce.

Mr. Bear was bisexual bilingual, so he understood.  Wilberforce explained his problem and Mr. Bear helped him.  Wilberforce found his way to boarding school.  Later that afternoon, the school was swallowed by a large sea turtle, but that’s another story.

END!